I’ve got some other real goodies, but until Disney (which owns Star Trek and the Muppet Show) and the estates of Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are more amenable, you will have to wait on them.
Fan fiction is safe from legal action, however, if it is a parody. Here’s mine:
The pond was deep, his skin was green,
The lily pads white and fair.
And on the stage a light was seen
Of many lightbulbs glimmering.
Miss Piggy was dancing there.
Like Mary Antoinette was her hair,
To a pit orchestra near the scene
And in her raiment shimmering.
There Kermit came from backstage bold
And wandered there lost in thought
About how he again must Fozzie scold
He hopped alone and sorrowing.
He peered between the curtain, caught.
And saw in wonder flowers of gold.
Upon her mantle and her sleeves
And her snout like nose following.
Enchantment healed his weary flippers.
That through muddy waters doomed to swim.
And forth he hastened, strong and chipper.
And gasped at strobelights glistening.
Through the entire theatre it seemed to him.
She heavily fled on dancing feet from guillotine.
And left him lonely still to swim
In the silent pond listening.
That in his flippers lay glistening.
As Kermit looked into her eyes
Within the shadows of her hair
The trembling starlight of the skies.
He saw there mirrored shimmering
Miss Piggy the porcine-fair.
Diva, violent, street-wise
About him cast her shadowy hair
And arms like pewter deadening.
Long was the way that fate them bore
O’er five seasons with many guests
Through changes of face, and Annie Sue
Not to mention Johnny Cash
Anatomical differences between them lay
And yet at last they married — or did they?
Harry Potter SLASH
J.K. Rowling is generally more tolerant about fan fiction . I wrote this one before Joanne confirmed that Gellert and Albus had a sexual relationship. Don’t be mean to Joanne. By saying that Albus loved Muggle knitting patterns is the gayest thing ever. Knitting patterns were known for absurdly beautiful male models. Did you know that the 9 and 3/4 track is an allusion to Boudica? Or that Joanne is a reader of Radclyffe Hall’s Well of Loneliness? She’s also obviously a Monty Python fan (cockroach clusters). If Hermione makes you think of D.H. Lawrence’s Women in Love, more power to you.
DUMBLEDORE’S MAN THROUGH AND THROUGH
“Headmaster, I tell you, Sirius Black is a liability, a loose cannon. That idiot just exposed himself at the railway station. Even the Malfoys know now.”
“Everyone has their uses, Severus,” replied Dumbledore quietly. “But you are right that Sirius will never be content to be a quiet house-sitter. Sooner or later he will get himself killed. But I foresee that his death will not be in vain. You know full well that Voldemort will attempt to possess Harry Potter and when he tries, the grief he has for Sirius will be his salvation. Don’t pout, Severus, you know full well you will die a martyr too. Don’t begrudge Sirius.”
“But Headmaster, I would never give up my life while you still live. I have . . .feelings for you, Albus, I can’t hide them. I must have this thing for redheads or former redheads.” As if struggling with a heavy burden. Snape rushed into Albus’ arms and kissed him passionately.
“Damn, I am so sorry. How awful that I wear my heart on my sleeve. But I could never block my thoughts from you.”
“Severus, I need to show you something from the Denkarium. Don’t feel any shame Severus. Watch and see what a great man you are.”
Snape saw a scene from Albus’ bedroom. Two men were lying there, one black haired, one white.
“Darling, it feels like the first time,”
“It surely is not, it’s like the 87th time. But if Voldemort would know of our love the cause would be lost. And he could come back at any time. So you my dearest Severus erase your memory after each time we make love. Yet somehow, Severus, your body always remembers. You always make the first move. It’s like having a first date every time.”
“Speaking of memory, do I add up at all to your ex, he of the golden curls?”
“Grindelwald is a mass-murderer and led to my sister’s death!”
“Yes, but was he more skillful than I?”
“Gellert was a very passionate but selfish lover. He didn’t even care whether I climaxed or not. And he was a vegetarian, if you know what I mean.”
“That is so cruel.”
“Yes, but you my dear are the most unselfish and dedicated of lovers. I don’t like how you bully Harry but as it provides the cover that will keep him alive I allow it. I wish I could make up for the torments of your youth.”
“You are the lover and father figure for me till the end of time!”
“Thank you Severus,” said Dumbledore gently. There were tears in his bright blue eyes.
“But I don’t understand why you have hired Quirinus. He’s not only incompetent but he’s obviously Voldemort’s man through and through!”
“Correct on both counts, Sevvy. We had a most excellent man lined up for Defense of the Dark Arts. Someone who lived a double life in the Muggle World — a great scholar and a great magician.”
“Ioan Petru Culianu. He is quite the expect in Occlumency, could give you a run for your money and would be perfect to help Harry.”
“So why isn’t he here instead of that turbaned ass?”
“He was murdered, Sev, murdered. On Voldemort’s orders. They made it look like a political thing. There was a inside man, not exactly a Death Eater, but someone, a theologian, who wanted the services of Dark Magic for his own nefarious schemes. So we are stuck with Quirinus. But it is all going to work out. You see, for Harry to defeat Voldemort in the end-game he needs to practice his defense against the dark arts skills and he and his friends need to learn out to work together as a team. I’ve deliberately created the circumstances so that the trio will attempt to get the stone. I’ll pretend to be away but I will actually return just in time in case things get ugly. “
“If I didn’t love you so much, I’d say you are one manipulative son of a bitch! Do the ends really justify the means? What you’re doing to that Potter is far more insidious than my bullying.”
“At your service,” said Albus fondly.
A Poem for Cuilianu
To This Boy Distrus
Had we a world less tough, sans crime,
This boy genius would have more time
He could sit down and think which way
To study and pass his long life’s day.
No need for the sad Banshee’s cry
Marking death’s sorrowful receding’s tide
No cosmic plumber would complain.
Of this young life flooded down the drain.
From Atrahasis he could find the clues
To stop the nations from killing Jews
Like a veggie garden would his learning grow
As on high so too as below
A hundred years should go to praise
His teachings on the final days.
Two hundred to share his wisdom’s chest
But thirty thousand for the rest;
An age for gnostics and the Cathars
And the last age would be for the arts
For, Culianu, you deserve this state,
You should have found a different fate.
“Albus, I said it a thousand times, I can’t kill you,” protested Snape earnestly. “How can I when I don’t hate you, when I so love you?”
“You can hate me for making you kill me,” said Dumbledore firmly. “Don’t you think that would work? I have thought this all carefully through you know. Besides I am asking you to make an even greater sacrifice. But first let us finish up. This is our last time together, we better make it good.”
“Whatever do you mean last time?”
“Harry and I are going on a venture that I cannot disclose. But when we return I need you to make sure the Death Eaters on the scene. But time it so that you get in there to save Draco. Then you can kill me and then Sev you are going to have to obliviate yourself for the last time. You will have no concrete memory of our love, no memory of how I touched you like this and how you touched me like that. Can you imagine how cruel that could be, surely that will make you hate me and kill me all the more!”
“No, you don’t understand. I was slapped around by father and watched him beat up my mother. Your mind is full of twisted plots and schemes but I promise you that you have been my salvation. You have saved my soul and ushered me into the light, giving meaning to my sorrow. I’m not a good man or a kind man. I can’t stand it when the students don’t know how to follow directions, when they can’t answer my questions exactly how they should and when they use an incorrect footnote style. But you have given me purpose, Albus and oh Albus you are the most generous of lovers. Not that I’ve been with anyone else, and I have very little imagination besides with dark curses and potions, but so it is.”
“Severus, dearest Severus, don’t be so hard on yourself. I can tell you that we have just created a child together in whom we will both live on.”
“We have? How?”
“Gay sex can be very procreative, especially when there is a deep love. Our little one shall be born in the far future. He will be both our child and Lily’s grandchild, what could be more wondrous than that?’
“Oh please you don’t mean, you don’t?”
“Harry will name him after both of us and best of all, he will have Lily’s eyes. His Patronus will be a fiery doe with wings, the first known chimera Patronus. I am very sad that we will not get to hold him. But maybe one day when he wanders into the Headmaster’s Office he can talk to our portraits. And get this, he will be sorted into both Gryffindor and Slytherin. He will unify the force, integrate the shadow self and Hogwarts will become one House with the sign of the Plumed Serpent. And no longer will people playing Quidditch at school have better brooms just because they can afford them or have rich friends. Nor will we wizards isolate ourselves from the larger human community. We have so much we can offer, such as ending child abuse.”
But the ungrateful Harry Potter was standing there calling him coward. Snape knew that he must continue down the path Albus had placed him on to the end more than ever. He tried his best to give the spoiled arrogant brat advice but the child was too caught up in his foolish feelings to benefit.
Snape took Draco to safety. Then he went to his home in Spinner’s End. He went to the bathroom and stared in the mirror as if he thought he could find Albus in his own eyes. Then he waved his wand.
The next thing Severus Septimus Snape knew was that hot tears were falling out of his eyes, smearing the mirror. But he had no inkling why. Nor did he understand why a long white hair was still adhering to his heart. He saw the Dark Mark on his arm signal that Voldemort was waiting for him to come and report. Snape did not flinch. His heart burned with a terrible pain but he sealed it off like an unwanted batch of expired frog spawn and went on as duty called.