I turned to the frightened woman. “What we really need to do is expose the bastard. I’m sure the folks running Big Brother won’t even show the footage; they’ll make it seem all about shoes. But let me lend my theatrical talents and the wisdom and beauty of my fiancé to your cause. ” I whispered to her and she smiled.
The next time we were all gathered together, Alan and I got our thing going.
“Hey, can you help me cook this spaghetti bolognese? I hear you are quite the chef.” Taken aback by the praise, our target joined me in the preparation.
Meanwhile Alan turned to the others.
“Ever wonder how many times you can fold a piece of paper? If I have to remove an item of clothing each time I make a fold, will I be in my natural state or not?”
Alan began slowly folding and stripping. He tossed me a sock which I caught skillfully.
“So, those trans people make me sick. Don’t you think so?”
Encouraged, our target went into a horrid tirade.
“You’re so fucked.”
“What do you mean?”
“Take a wild guess. Here let me get a picture while I’m at it. ” I took a picture with the phone Alan had tossed me. “This spew of hate has just been transmitted to the Guardian, The Independent, The Daily Telegraph, The Belfast Telegraph, The Scotsman, The Times, The Northern Echo, BBC, ITV, Channels 4 and 5 and even SKY News. Everyone will know that you have been bullying our good friend here and are channeling hate not love. Years ago, my mother used to say to me, she’d say ‘In this world you can be oh so so smart, or oh so pleasant.’ Well, for years I was smart. . . I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.”
Then, as planned, Nadia rushed in. Alan was in his underwear, after having made eleven folds (left shoelace, right shoelace, left shoe, right shoe, left sock, right sock, trousers, belt buckle, belt, sport jacket, tie) very embarrassed but also quite proud. “You see, audience,” Nadia cried, “I have been listening to this very mean man harass me all the time. I felt so bullied I considered suicide but now I can reveal that I have decided not to. ” She then said,
Yes, call me by that name,—and I, in truth
With the same heart, will answer and not wait.
I will answer with my pride in being a fine woman, a good woman. You are not a good man and you will never be a famous cook. My friend Emeril will see to that!”
Our mission had succeeded! Now the only thing to do was return home. But how, given our newfound popularity? Everyone, male and female, was drooling over Alan and I was getting uncomfortable. He was even asked to be a Page Three Girl. But Alan liked to show his chest only to me.
I looked at Alan and he nodded with his head ever so slightly
“Line up for the meal, everyone!” I shouted.
Everyone lined up but Alan and I held our hands tight and ran and jumped the queue, instantly earning everyone’s hatred. We were immediately voted off.
Another life now had hope, another bully looked like a real dope.
“You can take the rest off if you like,” I told him when we got back.
Alan replied, “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. You see until you kiss me I am both half naked and half clothed. Once you do so, we will find out what universe we have landed into, no?” His eyes looked innocent and naughty at the same time.
I was more in love with him than ever, if that was possible.